Grief 2025
“But grief makes a monster out of us sometimes . . . and sometimes you say and do things to the people you love that you can’t forgive yourself for.” Melina Marchetta
It’s ironic that I picked the subject grief for this week and then it has begun to sneak into my work!
Grief and loss impact on us all and is one of the big three with regards to mental health and wellbeing. Grief is not only losing a person, but it can also be mourning the loss of a job, leaving a town or community, a relationship ending or the death of someone we admired and loved.
When I first began my social work journey, the literature showed the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We also spoke that the journey was not linear and that we bounced all over the place – perhaps like a pinball machine.
We also knew that grief of a loved one leaves a hole in our heart. We used to believe that the hole got smaller, but this is a myth. The hole remains the same and life learns to live within and around the hole.
Another metaphor is that grief is a roller coaster of emotions and that is disorienting and unsettling with confusion, sadness, denial, anger, peace, anxiety and acceptance. Once again, the emotions can change quickly and often are on a loop, going backwards and forwards.
Acceptance has always been a difficult concept for me and at times I have had to interchange this with the word acknowledge. For me, acceptance has a tinge of being okay with the concept, agreement and I am not always okay that I have lost someone that I love.
All of us have a different experience of grief, even if in the same family. We all had a different relationship with the person. There is no “right” way to grieve or no time limit. Some people can’t hide their emotions and others are very well versed when out in public.
Memories may sneak up on us, when we least expect it and I know that at times I felt that I had seen my loved one and was ready to call out to them – when I suddenly realised it could not be. The disappointment at that time was overwhelming, even though it had been years since their passing.
I remember a client discussing that she had held herself well for the first year and strongly believed that the second year would be much easier! To her dismay, it hit harder the next. All occasions have moments of sadness, as we wish to have the person we love.
When in grief, our window of tolerance is lower, and we MAY react out of character and be more reactive to what is happening around us. Deciding how to address this is an important way of keeping the relationship in good stead.